Scanxiety: When Waiting is Life or Death
Scanxiety. Recently in the American Brain Tumor Association’s online support group, another caregiver used this term. It perfectly explains the panic attacks, loss of sleep and raw emotions that rear their ugly heads about a week before Dan’s MRI. It takes everything I’ve got to say calm. I try not to project into the future. I try not to bury myself in the memories of the past…brain surgeries, hospital stays and painful recoveries. I try not to be afraid of what I do not know. I try so hard.
Now the moment is here and I’m at the hospital on the second floor while down the hall my husband lies inside a giant hollow tube, a very expensive magic eight ball that will tell us our future. The MRI whirls and scans looking for glowing areas or hot spots showing increased blood flow in Dan’s brain. Either will mean, that once again our lives will be irrevocably changed as we pool our strength, finances, family and friends to hit this alien invader head on.
In the meantime, I focus on the breath.. Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out… and trust we are in the arms of Einstein’s friendly universe.